Most people make the decision to go for psychotherapy when life feels difficult and they need to find a way out of their suffering. Often they have tried their best to cope for months or years. People may have tried all sorts of things to help themselves on their own, including medication, meditation, exercise, self-help books, breathing practices. Or they may have coped in less constructive ways through drinking, using drugs, overwork, gambling, or other addictive behaviours.

They may try psychotherapy as a last ditch attempt, perhaps even feeling quite hopeless about how it could possibly help. So why is it that so many people leave it a long time before accessing counselling support?

We live in a society which holds certain predominant views about health and wellness; and therefore about sickness and dis-ease. Modern Western politics are built on a foundation of neoliberalism, “a political theory that values individual freedom and personal responsibility over the collective” (Freeth, 2020). We live in a culture that prizes independence and personal responsibility. When life is going well, we are praised for our success. When life falls apart, we are often left feeling that we alone should be able to fix it. Taken to its extreme, athis sort of perspective begins to site all mental and emotional distress within the individual, perhaps assigning it to organic problems with brain hormones, or a lack of personal resilience.

In this perspective, psychotherapy is a responsibility, undertaken by an individual in order to fix or cure their problems and return them to functioning well in society. Often this is measured by whether you are able to remain in (or return to) the workforce – are you fit and well enough to be a good worker/consumer/capitalist? So the point of psychotherapy is supposed to be about symptom reduction. Are you experiencing symptoms of anxiety or depression that need to be removed – perhaps psychotherapy can help?

If I sound cynical, it’s because I am. Let me be clear, psychotherapy can absolutely support people to reduce their levels and symptoms of distress, and to live lives within which they feel empowered to fully engage and to live well. But people are not faulty machines which need tinkering with so that they can return back to working. People are full humans, with human rights to dignity, respect and autonomy. People live meaningful lives where a sense of purpose and value are essential. And no person lives in a vacuum, as John Donne’s poem goes, “no man is an island”.

For me, people are deeply interconnected to one another, and so much of our wellness or otherwise is entwined with how we experience those connections. If we understand that suffering and distress can be caused by interpersonal factors, then perhaps healing can occur in the interpersonal relationship which psychotherapy offers. So often the reasons people seek psychotherapy are because of trauma, loneliness, disconnection from their self or from others. These types of wounds need to be met with empathy, with a psychotherapist who truly wants to listen and understand, and who accepts you as the expert on yourself.

It is not weakness to need to feel heard and understood in your suffering. It is human. And it is not the job of an expert to fix your symptoms, but to sit closely alongside you with care and compassion while you find the path forward which is right for you. Therapy offers a relationship in the here-and-now where you can begin to make sense of your experience, reconnect with your strengths, and experiment with living in ways that feel more aligned with who you are, and more personally satisfying.

We all exist in webs of connection – to our self, our needs and desires; to our friends, family, colleagues; to animals and the natural world. Psychotherapy is a space to deeply explore these and to learn to understand your own personal unique situation and self. Feeling fully accepted, just as you are, by your therapist can enable you to begin to feel that way towards yourself. Psychotherapy is not about fixing what is broken. It is about together with your therapist, discovering what has always been there.

No Man Is an Island (John Donne, 1624)

No man is an island,

Entire of itself;

Every man is a piece of the continent,

A part of the main.

If a clod be washed away by the sea,

Europe is the less,

As well as if a promontory were:

As well as if a manor of thy friend's

Or of thine own were.

Any man's death diminishes me,

Because I am involved in mankind.

And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls;

It tolls for thee.

Freeth, R. (2020) Psychiatry and Mental Health: A guide for counsellors and psychotherapists. PCCS Books